When you live your life as a teenager who has to be an adult you tend to have more bad than good. You get stressed more, and the tears flow until you run out. You try so hard to paint a smile on your face but, you often run out of paint.  When you pay for everything yourself, and work for your money it hurts like hell when people that are supossed to be your “family” steal from you.

        It also hurts when strangers, class mates, co workers tell you to just fucking smile because they always have food on their table, and have people to buy them nice shit. They don’t have the mental disabilities, the depression, the angermanemeent, the axiety, and the everything else. When you’re like this or something close you know how it feels to try your best to smile, but it just doesn’t happen.

        When you have no family to go to, you have your friends. But then they’re busy with their significant others, and school. You know it’ll only be for a little while but, you can’t help but feel scared and alone. But what hurts the most is when you arn’t talking to your lover. When you fear that after years of loving you they might be moving on. The light you once saw in their eyes is not warming someone else’s heart.

       That doesn’t hurt…..it kills. You can’t tell the future, and you don’t know for sure. You just have to wait, and battle it out. Maybe you’ll get to be with them again, and if you’re lucky you’ll be with them forever in the end. But right now we don’t know that.

       I don’t know that….I don’t have the family. My friends are all busy, and when they’re not I am. Whenever shit goes bad which is most of the time, I drown myself. I drown myself in longboarding, my friends, pop punk music, anything but reality. How much can I take? I’ve broke many times but, I managed to get on my feet again, and breathe. This time I don’t know what I can do. Right now I just wish for you.

            I feel the need to write 9999 thousand things tonight. My light bulb is out, and I have two candles lit. This somehow made me thing, I enjoy such simple things. Because I have to work for everything I have myself, and only have support from my friends I enjoy the little things in life. I’m gonna list it. I LOVE list.

List of the little things that I love, and make my heart melt.

- Candle lit nights reading poetry

- Friends helping you after a breakdown

- Curly fries

- Elderly people that smile, and are polite to me even though I don’t look like every other person (Talking about sense of style, and body mods)

- Hugs

- My stuffed raccoon ( His names Raccoony, and I sleep with him every night. Just don’t judge me on that.)

- Bus/train rides home with a friend while looking at the window listening to Oasis

- Laughing until my cheeks hurt

         So most people get Sweet 16’s. Unfortunatly since I don’t have a true “family” I wasn’t able to have a huge party. WOMP. However my weekend wasn’t wasted.

        On my actual birthday (tuesday)  I got my nails done with Niomi, and I’ve been wanting to meet her for the longest. She picked a pink flower from SOMEONE ELSE’S property for me just because I said it was pretty. A girl in my school baked me red velvet cupcakes to. 

      Then on friday I got my debit card (fina fucking ly). On Saturday I went to F@gB0i’s place, got high, and then went to see The Avengers! Which was fucking amazing. I got to eat curly fries. YUM. Then today (Sunday) I got my longboard after wanting one for about a year. My friend paid the setup fee for me. ^_^ Then I road, and went down this hill which was HUGE for me. It was honestly the most liberating thing ever. 

      Now I’m in my house, and my feet have fallen off. I just miss my friends, and I just want the weekend to come so I can feel happy again. (Writing this for myself so I can look back on it later.)

    There is this odd thing about me where I don’t miss people. You could be my “best friend” and we could stop talking but, I WON’T FUCKING miss you. I guess this is because I was forced to be independent at a young age, and I have no trouble being alone. I’ve only ever missed 3-4 people.

- My first love, who will always have a place in my heart. At the moment I don’t even miss him.

-My first male romantic interest. He was the beginning of opening my eyes to a new world, and him and I have been on a huge roller coaster. Thankfully we’ve both matured, and are now good friends. He continues to open my eyes, and takes me on adventures. I CONSTANTLY miss his stupid ass!

-My brother, no not my blood brother. He’s my “god” brother but, I’m an atheist so I just call him brother, or fairy brother. I can’t wait until him, and I have our own apartment and start our lives.

-Tooth fairy. No not the magical fucking flying creature. Tooth fairy, a lady that was like a mother to me, and I fucking loved her! Unfortunately I lost contact with her =/. She was the only good part of my childhood. Occasionally she, and the times spent with her skip through my mind.